Our notions about happiness entrap us. We forget that they are just ideas. Our idea of happiness can prevent us from actually being happy. We fail to see the opportunity for joy that is right in front of us, when we are caught in a belief that happiness should take a particular form.
~ Juddu Krishnamurti
I need to be happy. It is the expectations to which I cling that cause suffering. I must focus on those things which I can control. I can not, nor do I aspire to, control others. While my mind knows that the television and films that I have been raised upon do not reflect the broad spectrum of reality - the perfect family, relationship, etc. - I must not allow these things to become an expectation or belief that the reality of my life - or anyone’s - can be reflected as those stories or scripts - the words of a writer’s fantasy and imagination. I must live and find beauty in the moment and not, to use a metaphor, put life on hold and not enjoy the days of the week, living only for the weekend. I must savour each and every moment, regardless of their emotional colour.
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One is never afraid of the unknown; one is afraid of the known coming to an end.
~ Jiddu Krishnamurti
Despite knowing full well, despite the cliche, that “all that stays the same is change”, there is a part of me that clings to what Krishnamurti is alluding to here. This is why I spent the last ten of the twenty years in my marriage, even though I knew that it was negative for both mu daughter and I. It is like the abused spouse staying with their partner (and I believe that what I endured would be considered as abuse), or the unhappy worker who remains in the job that they hate. We fear that known coming to its conclusion. When I reflect on my life, I see many “ends” and “beginnings”, intermediated by the unknown. As life is, things ebb and flow. Rugby, my years spent as a Correctional Officer, teaching - each had its own epoch and challenges. One’s holding onto such things - just like in the previous entry in my writings on happiness - it always comes back to our expectations and insecurities. Despite it all, the sky has not fallen. I must, in the Taoist sense, yield to the winds of change as a tree, or, alternatively, snap and break from being rigid.
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Don’t let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace.
~ Dalai Lama
Sometimes I can feel like I have no inner peace to begin with. So often, I feel the tumult of chaos and exhaustion in every fibre of my being. I often feel that I have given more than I have to give, leaving me with a sense of both an emotional and physical deficit. I need to build within if I am to withstand life’s storms. I need a rock upon which to build and supports the structure of self that I am endeavouring to construct. My foundations oftentimes feel as if composed on sand, with the wind perpetually in my face. I need a vacation - a time to rebuild and replenish myself, and free from the distraction of those niggling gremlins of doubt and self-defeat - none of that is real, but, rather, an illusion for my undisciplined mind. I am born to serve, but all tools require maintenance if they are to continue to be of any use at all.
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Our own life has to be our message
~ Thich Nhat Hahn
My work is always what matters most to me. I fight. Always. I try to affect change, oftentimes with the grace of a bull and the diplomacy skills of Attilla the Hun. When I am gone from this earth, I hope that my legacy is what others have learned and gained from my work and having me as a part of their lives. I do not wish to be recognized, nor do I care if I am remembered - it is not about me, its about inspiring others to live full, productive and joyful lives. What matters most is that others move forward in a loving and compassionate manner; that they too promote these ideals by way of their actions, for this is how we truly change the world. To speak for those who have no voice, and to battle for justice and understanding.
I am nervous about potentially being in the documentary film on mindfulness, being made through Fox Studios Australia. I am no one’s guru, and I don’t want it to focus upon me. It needs to be about the work, not the individual. I hope that it provides hope for others who are affected by trauma, stress, depression and anxiety through methodology. I am far from a role model as I continue to face my own internal battles. This whole film came straight out of the blue. Definitely, I never would have thought such a thing would happen.
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Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.
~ Henry David Thoreau
My reflections today are being written open the last day of classes with my grade 4 students. The summer holidays commence tomorrow. My intentions are to not feel lost - but to take this holiday to work toward an understanding of my self. I hope to motivate myself not to sit idle with the passing days. It is such a psychological swing to flip so quickly from the often overwhelming tumult of teaching with its structures and demands, to all at once have complete freedom and no assigned plans for the day. I intend to push myself physically, expand and broaden my thinking and to convalesce with nature as often as possible. I will use this time to find my next thing, now that I have been ten months away from rock climbing. I must find a new indulgence and passion to balance my work, so as to not be completely consumed by it. I am in the middle of my life, and must live completely in the moment, for, if I am always looking forwards and backwards, I can never see where I truly am - here in the now. The present: a place where we are no longer lost if we can realize our true selves. As life is unpredictable (for example the film opportunity with Fox), we never truly know where we are headed, so to be lost is a product of our imaginations.
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Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes… even you.
~ Anne Lamott
As of now, I am officially on summer holidays. Need to unplug and unwind. Need a break from the rigours and emotional demands of everyday. I feel exhausted. The question is how to unplug and recharge? Solar power is the answer! Sit in the sunshine, read and then embrace each and every moment of the day, recharged.
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And I think to myself: what a wonderful world.
~ Louis Armstrong
This is such a wonderful world, though, so often we allow negativity to hijack our perspective. This causes me to think on the words of Confucius: “Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it”. No matter how bad things seem to be, there is always something beautiful that we can see or find if we strive to see it. I think of the alpine wildflowers that grow in the harshest of climates, to bloom for a few weeks, and then to sleep again beneath the craggy rocks, ice and scree. This is truly an example and metaphor for the beauty which abounds.
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If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present.
~ Lao Tzu
My mindfulness course through the University of the Pacific begins today. Though I have been trying for over two decades to live by Lao Tzu’s words, I am hoping that this undertaking assists me to live more in the present - to serve as a refresher for those things that I have put into practise, but, perhaps have allowed to become sloppy in form. It is a Fundamentals of Mindfulness course, so much of it is review. However, despite our experience in any area, there is a great benefit to revisiting the basics. I still experience bouts of anxiety and depression, though they are much farther and fewer than those I experienced in previous times. They still manage to take hold of my thoughts and become gremlins of self depreciation, doubt and fear. Being aware of what these negative gremlins is essential, the challenge is not allowing negative or despairing thoughts about things beyond one’s control to dominate one’s psyche. I am in control of myself alone. I must live fully and completely, and not allow other’s choices, perceptions or negativity to contaminate the moment. I must leave things of this nature outside of me, and experience life coming from within and pushing out in a spirit of positivity, compassion, joy and love to mingle with the universe and to be absorbed in all things.
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Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.
~ Aristotle
Isolating one’s self is difficult with all of the masks which we wear and roles that we play. Is there a single self in all of this, or are we all of these external selves born of that which is within our being? Is the actor the role or is there a governing self from which all these arms attach to as they reach outward? “Of these things I’ve become” is tattooed on my arm as it is part of my story depicted through ink on skin. I believe there is a central core of self, but, as we are shaped by our experiences and genetics, I wonder to what extent it exists independently… energy matter. We often plays roles in which we are uncomfortable, and others where we are happy. Is this perhaps the looking glass of our true inherent selves?
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The wound is where the light enters you.
~ Rumi
This quotation by Rumi makes sense as one intentionally focuses on that which is hurting. Healing is becoming stronger - to fortify the body and make it whole again with an increased sense of resilience. I got a new tattoo today - opening my skin to the ink, which will then heal and hold a message of significance - the separation of self, held together - mind and body - each of it’s own, unifying the Five Koshas. Once healed, that part of my skin will be adorned with far more meaning for me. Through this wound, the light enters. All that we endure and survive, though sometimes taking us to the breaking point, does make us stronger if we are willing to do the necessary things to make it so. All failure is an opportunity to learn. All hurt is an opportunity to heal. With no black, there can be no white - the yin and yang are necessary to understand opposites and to then determine what it is we shall pressure internally and through our interactions with others.
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I have the impression that many of us are afraid of silence. We’re always taking in something - text, music, radio, television, or thoughts - to occupy the space. If quiet and space are so important for our happiness, why don’t we make more room for them in our lives?
~ Thich Nhat Hahn
I so often crave and need silence after working all day, but never seem to get enough of it. Some nights, it feels like there are lesions on my brain - as though it is physically cut, scraped and scratched. Now, with summer holidays and my daughter sharing her time between my home and my ex-wife’s place, I am getting and appreciating the peace to the depths of my being. I realize how tired I truly am and that my body and mind have been pleading for a reprieve from the rigours of my working life. The taxing demands of my occupation take so much, and this year was particularly a difficult one beyond the school walls: daughter’s best friend being hit, dragged and killed by a transit bus, helping her to navigate the emotions of her first real dealings with death, aside from the loss of pets. The emotions of separating from my wife after nearly 21 years together was exceptionally exhausting on an emotional level, excruciated through the legal aspects and formulation of our separation agreement. I willingly took much less than I was entitled to, much to the chagrin and protests of my lawyer. For me, freedom comes before money and materialism and freedom was all I sought; a freedom I should have reached for a decade ago. Lastly, there was the chaos of buying my new home as there was so much tied up with my separation and, while the resources were there, attaining them was rife with struggles and complications. I am, however, free. I do appreciate the peace afforded by my freedom. It does appear to be all or nothing, and, while not experiencing it thus far, I fear boredom as so much time can allow the gremlins to hold my mind hostage as they feed me their doubting and negative thoughts (when I refer to my gremlins, it is based on a book written by Rick Carlson titled How to Tame Your Gremlin, which was recommended to me by my therapist years ago when I was dealing with the worst aspects of my PTSD. No, I do not hear voices.). I do find myself a bit lonely, after being constantly surrounded by my students and staff. Solitude is a good thing, however I do long for company and good conversation. I need to motivate myself to put my bike rack on the Fiat and then head out on a road or trail.
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Just because my path is different, doesn’t mean I’m lost.
~ unknown
We all have our paths to walk, but are rarely intimate with our own. I am glad that I motivated myself to install my bike rack on the Fiat, and then headed out for the trails at Elk Island National Park on my mountain bike. The sights, sounds and smells of nature were a treat for the senses, as I enjoyed the exertion of riding, my muscles alive and body enveloped in sweat, cleansing.
I have also been enjoying playing music in several sessions in my man loft (unlike my old house which had a subterranean room where I played music and could be appropriately called a man cave, my present music room is in the upstairs of my home.). Though often frustrated by my perceived self-image of severely lacking in musical prowess, it feels so good to sing and play my guitars, mandolin, bodhran and Irish whistles. I do tend to enjoy a dram or two of whiskey when I play, but, in moderation, this is one of life’s pleasures that I greatly enjoy.
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It is no measure of good health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.
~ Jiddu Krishnamurti
Krishnamurti’s message says all that really needs to be said. When one reflects on the meaning of these words, we can observe the roots of violence, apathy, lack of fulfillment, despair and a world run by conformity, corporations and media. We need to be the change by being our selves. If all you read, listen to, watch and do is empty of any sort of truly qualitative components or aspects, then how can we ever feel the joy of fulfillment? How can we make this world better if we stew in our apathy? How can we be who and what we are if we complicity wear the masks of conformity assigned to us by society or our employers. I have often felt a pariah on the periphery of society, walking to the beat of my own drum, though I know that, through my rebellions and decisions, much of it is to a more palatable conformity; i.e. punk rock. Much of what I have done has not always followed a conventional path, but mine is a spirit of poetry and adventure, thus I wander as I must and try to adhere to those things which make sense and feel appropriate. I believe my intentions are to always do good. The Buddha said: “Believe nothing, now matter where you have read it or who has said it… unless it agrees with your own reason and common sense.” To not do this is to not think critically. We must inform ourselves and not be fearful of who accepts us. We must accept ourselves. Anything else may please others, but leave us empty and hollow.
