Silence

I have the impression that many of us are afraid of silence. We’re always taking in something - text, music, radio, television, or thoughts - to occupy the space. If quiet and space are so important for our happiness, why don’t we make more room for them in our lives?

~ Thich Nhat Hahn

I so often crave and need silence after working all day, but never seem to get enough of it. Some nights, it feels like there are lesions on my brain - as though it is physically cut, scraped and scratched. I realize how tired I truly am and that my body and mind have been pleading for a reprieve from the rigours of my working life. The taxing demands of my occupation take so much, and the past couple of years have been particularly a difficult one beyond the school walls: daughter’s best friend being hit, dragged and killed by a transit bus, helping her to navigate the emotions of her first real dealings with death, aside from the loss of pets. The emotions of separating from my wife after nearly 21 years together was exceptionally exhausting on an emotional level, excruciated through the legal aspects and formulation of our separation agreement. There was the chaos of buying my new home as there was so much tied up with my separation and, while the resources were there, attaining them was rife with struggles and complications. My mother passed away. I am, however, free. I do appreciate the peace afforded by my freedom. I fear boredom as so much time can allow the gremlins to hold my mind hostage as they feed me their doubting and negative thoughts (when I refer to my gremlins, it is based on a book written by Rick Carlson titled How to Tame Your Gremlin, which was recommended to me by my therapist years ago when I was dealing with the worst aspects of my PTSD. No, I do not hear voices.). We must learn to love and care for ourselves.